Denver singing telegram artist, stilt walker and talent agent shares hilarious gig stories, song lyrics and performer casting calls for upcoming gigs.
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Comedy
Number two?! Shit, that’ll do. Custom Singing Telegrams alum and “Butterflies” remixer Joman just dropped a Barbie-inspired earworm and it’s thumbed down a pink convertible straight to the top of iTunes’ Comedy Singles chart. “The Doll Movie Song” pokes fun at Barbie haters who felt emasculated by the film’s feminist messages. Will it dethrone comedian Kyle Gordon’s Eurodance sendup “Planet of the Bass?” Give Apple ninety-nine cents and let’s see how the cookie crumbles.
It's hard to overstate the impact Weird Al has had on my life. Even Worse, the album containing Al’s Michael Jackson sendup “Fat,” was the second full-length cassette I ever owned. Comedy music was obviously compelling from a young age, and I've somehow channeled that early enthusiasm into a full-time “adult” business: singing telegrams. “Cavity Search,” a U2 spoof about going to the dentist, was the first Weird parody funneled into my repertoire. My sister was in dental school at the time, so I learned it to entertain her and her classmates. Al's hilariously bipolar version of “Happy Birthday” was next, as birthday grams make up the bulk of our bookings. “Yoda” has become another useful Al spoof in my universe; I serenaded a vertically-appropriate performer who'd been transformed into the wrinkled green Jedi at a Star Wars-themed drive-thru baby shower in March. Feel free to re-read that last sentence, as it's a doozy;) I also patronized a Weird Al-themed burlesque show - The Clocktower Cabaret’s Dare to Be Sexy - in January. I could go on, but you get the gist. Weird is wonderfully immeshed in my world.
Imagine my elation upon discovering that a film was slated to tackle Al's life. And in true Weird fashion, the movie parodies other music biopics. Weird: The Al Yankovic Story is streaming for free on the Roku Channel beginning today.
WATCH NOW
Megan is one of Custom Singing Telegrams' most prominent repeat customers. She has sent birthday grams to friends and family members for about seven years. When she got married in Golden, CO recently, her sister decided it was time for payback. So I donned a wedding dress and sauntered into the wedding reception. Realizing quickly what was in store, Megan started laughing from the moment she saw me crossing the room toward her and her new husband's table. The DJ handed me a wireless mic and I asked the bride if she wanted to tell the attendees who the wedding crasher was. She was still laughing too hard to answer the question. Her husband explained that Megan loved hiring me to surprise people on their birthdays.
Then something magic happened. I've been performing “Grow Old with You,” a tune sung by Adam Sandler's character in the movie The Wedding Singer, for over a decade now. It's a funny, endearing tune, but most people don't know the lyrics. On this occasion, it sounded like half the wedding guests were familiar with the words, and were raising their voices along with me. It was incredible.
Images: Thin Threads
“Nipples in the Sand” - that's the name of the song I was hired to sing yesterday. It's a ditty that was concocted by the intended bday gram recipient and her sister (my customer) when they were kids. The intended recipient is the lead prosecutor at a Colorado courthouse. Her sister (the customer) hoped to surprise / embarrass / make her sibling laugh. She requested a risque costume, so I suggested a stripper cop look – a ballsy move (even for me) considering the venue. Courthouse security staff were unsurprisingly inquisitive when I arrived in cosplay cop garb with my guitar and music stand in hand. But they hesitantly let me in the lobby and called the target recipient down. I launched into the opening line of “Nipples in the Sand” when she appeared: “Walking down the beach one stormy day...” Probably anticipating the approaching, potentially mortifying hook, she shut me down with the quickness. “Thank you. You're great. I'm sure my sister put you up to this, but you can go now.” For the rest of you, here's how the song climaxes:)
“Nipples in the Sand”
Walking down the beach one stormy day
saw a little orange thing and had to say
Nipples in the sand
Nipples in the sand
In lieu of a full IRL delivery, I filmed a rendition of the tune for the customer. She apologized for her sister's rudeness, including this insightful gem: “Maybe she's still traumatized by the dildo I sent to her work.”
Wanted: woman who wants to conceive child during totality eclipse in OR
I am 40 years of age, caucasian male from Europe.
My looks, instinct, knowledge and strength is 100% pure and 100% lethal.
I am looking for a worthy female with strong genes, beauty and smarts. To join me – to experience totality eclipse in Oregon.
Exact place not set.
If we have chemistry, I would like for us to make love while the eclipse is happening.
When totality occurs, we will have simultaneous orgasms and we will conceive a child that will be on the next level of human evolution.
We will make love together, with me and my penis directed towards the sun. Everything will be aligned in the local universe. Both of our cosmic orgasmic energy will be aligned with the planets.
In a brief moment of ecstasy, we will understand everything, and together, create a new universe. Full of love...
You must like cats. Drugs are OK. Nitrous Oxide while we climax and experience totality and conception is OK with me.
